| Moving Backwards |
[28 Mar 2005|10:00pm] |
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mood |
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 grateful |
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music |
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Bright eyes- Falling out of love |
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I was reading past entries... on this old thing. How time can move so fast yet so slow amazes me.
but maybe there's a man somewhere who is still thinking of me. or someone with cold black hair who is haunted by me in his dreams. to bad what they think they slept beside wasn't me, just some lie. I kept that secret from them but I can't keep that any more. Just how I ever got attached I have no idea. So matter what I do from now on with my time, they will always stay within my mind. I can't handle getting attached again, to something that is will always be glued down. I keep running around when all i want is to lay down. haha... shit i know. but I can't help but try to be artsie once in a while.
and to everyone, there is no need trying to find happiness, in the end the biggest problem any of us face is accepting that nothing will make us happy. You can never be pleased with the here and now, once you accept that you might be able to be content. Idk, Aime'e has been reading her philosophy books again. I <3 huckabees stole from my book. well this is a combination or philosophy and poetry reading.
I just hope one day I will welcome happyness as much as I do sorrow. That I will see beauty in more than the sad faces people wear in the rain, but also with the giggle someone udders at something they are in wonder of.
yes i know, an entry that is nothing but a bit lost and rather confusing. but how dare anyone expect anything other than crazy from me.
Favorite moment of the day- argueing with Micheal about which of us is crazier.-Miles holding my hand as we fed squirrels- getting a phone call from phil just because he wanted to talk to me
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| goodbye old friend |
[01 Aug 2004|02:15am] |
So this is the last entry in the old livejournal, had it for almost three years and it is time to move on. so i have created a new journal, a sort of rebirth. so for all the new name thingy is "Flamingstarfish". yeah so this is the end,
goodbye
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| Gee wiz |
[15 Jul 2004|10:26pm] |
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mood |
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 energetic |
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music |
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Rocky Horror Picture Show |
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Do you ever feel ignored and loved at the same time? hmmm...
Im almost done with my room
Took another astronomy quiz
talked to my sister, beth. then got shit from my mom about it.
Dont you ever wish you had an excuse for you own fucked up personality, like i was a crack head and a whore for the first tten years of my life, then no one would question if you were screwed up.
I want a reason to act insane other than i fell like it.
I roled done a grassy hill for fun with other college students watching then got up and walked as if nothing happend
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| Ahhhhh (sigh of wonder) |
[11 Jul 2004|09:56pm] |
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mood |
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happily exhausted/ lonely |
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music |
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The Cure- Love Cats |
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This weekend was great, i mean great i will give a brief account.
Friday,...
bought new shoes with tyler at the vans store. we both have pink and black shoes now and it is dorky like we are a couple or something. then we snuck chinese food into the brenden theatre and watched "the Terminal" while eating. oh, and the terminal is lovely and tom hanks makes you want to cry and then laugh and then jump and run in circles all at the same time. i want to marry him. then tyler and i hung out with kidd, which was very fun. tyler is stupid and steals peoples change muahahahaha!!
Saturday...
So, went to the beach with Tyler and got sun burnt howwibly on the back of my legs!! but the beach was great and sun and nice alone time, yeah we ate and play and i chased after tyler with sand crabs (the wuss. then tyler had a talk to me about how i dont were swim suits, whatever!! yeah, so tyler and i drive back into town and have like 20 min. to get ready to before we pick up chelsea and lindsay and carly to go to the tsumani bomb concert in SF, weeeeeeeeeeeee!!
the concert was fucking awesome!! so tyler had a sunburn and went into the back and talked to the opening bands while tsumani was on, the opening bands were ehhh... i dont know. one was political and the other one had a really hot girl guitaris with dread locks.so i guess they were ok. so when tsunami came on Lind. and chels and carly were in the corner and i just went off and oushed up the front, dead center. so i pushe and got myself between two six foot big guys, and a big midddle aged man with no shirt came behind me and started rubbing himself on me so i elbowed him. yeah it was so great i pushe almost to the front and touched the singer!! when we got out i was covered in sweat (and i dont think half of it was mine) but it was great!! and i am sorry that i blew off others to go to the concert but i can't regret it because it was such a great ex[erience.
so i am back in auburn, tyler and my one years aneversery is tomorrow, and i am somewhat bumed that im not going to be there. well, very bummed. that sucks. but it will be ok. maybe well make it another month, and then well celebratre, but that is why i spent so much time with him this weekend. yeah
end
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[23 Jun 2004|10:53pm] |
| NOTE: z | | No smoking around Aimsy. Thankyou for your co-operation. |
From Go-Quiz.com
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[19 Jun 2004|11:03pm] |
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mood |
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 indifferent |
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music |
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beck |
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so i graduated, yeah. it started to hitme in the gym that i was graduating and that this was it, i was sad then in graduation stupid people kept yelling and then i was happy that i wont see them again, and i know i will see that other people whom i care about.
So i didn't go to grad night, i freaked out and had to stay home. i know im a freak and the social anxiety justgot to me, so i played monopoly with tyler and then spent the rest of the night driving around then returning to his house and well... i have to say that i am glad i scipped it, i had fun with out the anxiety, i mean it was good and eveything went well. today i moved up to auburn with my family, i am painting my room and trying to forget how dearly i know i will miss everyone tomorrow
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| Im A shit head |
[06 Jun 2004|02:22pm] |
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mood |
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 nervous |
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music |
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children laughing outside |
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I was suppose to go with tyler and his family to this barbecue thing with all his extended family, but i bailed and i knonw tyler is mad at me, its like it was a swim party and everyone will be in bathing suits and tyler will know everyone and i am sick and he will leave me and then i will have to talk to his family by myself. i hate that i feel so awkward and stupid, and i just got such a major anxietty attack thinking about it that i told him no and went into tylers bath room and just started crying. the thought of having to talk to people just scares me insanely, i dont want htem all to hate me and i feeel like they will, so i curl into a ball and cry. iand i feel like shit because this hasn't happened for a while and now i am emotionally in defense mode and crying and unable to just tell tyler that it is not that i dont want to go but that i feel like vomiting and i am scared out of my mind thinking that tyler will go and swim and i will be left alone and that his family will hate me and then talk about how much they hate me once i go to the bathroom to cry. i am so scared of tylers family, they are so close and they all know eachother and i just am not like that with my family and i dont think i am ready for that. and the worst part is that when i am upset i can't articulate these things to tyler and so he gets disapionted/mad and i wish i could but when i break down i just caan't comunicate. and so i sit here crying insanly and just not being able to explain my worries to any human, yet i just did so easily with a computer
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| Anger... rrrrr |
[20 May 2004|02:53pm] |
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FUCK!! i wrote an enormous amount of stuff and then erased it. well i will try to summarize---
I'm with sheri today i was worried, and i am piss---------------Hello my name is Tyler I will BE EXPLAINING WHAT HAPPENED TO DAY AS IT WAS EXPLAINED TO ME BY AIMEE.sorry BE EXPLAINING WHAT HAPPENED TO DAY AS IT WAS EXPLAINED TO ME BY AIMEE.sorry for the caps anywasaid then david came over and ate food without saying hello to Sheri think really upset aimee. then courtney came over and ate food and watched television with david still w/o a hello to sheri from either of them.making aimee more mad then david took too much money from sheri and spent it all some on her though. courtney got dye and wanted david to dye it, he would cuz hes a lazy boy and sheri ended up cutting it making aimee more mad sorry this isn't aimee talking i just figure her story should be told good bye -Tyler
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| Ahhahahahha!! yeah sorry no writing |
[09 Sep 2003|04:19pm] |
Sorry i haven't been writing to lazy to sneak onto a computer and type. sadness
so school has started again
thurt
but i have to go, later (sorry being kicked off)
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[17 Jun 2003|03:49pm] |
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mood |
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blah |
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music |
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Blink 182 - All The Small Things (2:48) |
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hey everyone i know that i haven't written in this forever,.... sorry. my mother is rrrr (i could use so many words to describe but she could read and so no) i'll put t on friends only.
Yeah so life has been somewhat shitty. bbut i figure i work and that means that i have been beaten into subission and nothing matters. and nothing is worht caring about. well school got out, whatever. i work. my brother is visiting from washington and its ok. other than that it somewhat sux cause my brother tends to go into religoues fits about how i should live my life better. but i dont blame him, he thinks im on drugs. i found out that my mom has been talling my family members that i sm on drugs and DRINKING ... COFEE!!! i hate being mormon. so yeah, im at davids house ( i love my david) i am here with david and Tyler. for all those who dont know tyler is a friend from art class. hes a cool kid that i have been hanging out with. Davids mom is home so later.
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| hey yo, can't beliave its been a month |
[10 May 2003|06:59am] |
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mood |
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awake |
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music |
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David's burnt CD |
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I got rather grounded from the computer, sorry. my mom hate my live journal do do not be surprised if it turns into a friends only. i dont really wanto say much, but i will write a very long entry in due time and it will be VERY interesting!!
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| so much shit... |
[30 Apr 2003|02:56pm] |
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mood |
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 tired |
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music |
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Heart of Glass- Blondie |
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A lot has happened that i really dont feel like talking about. just major shit i guess. the piont is that things should get better so i will randomly comment until no one knows what the hell i am speaking.
--why is it that when you really need someone, you need a hug and for them to tell you that they love you they just dont get it. i just needed to be held and feel safe just for a few minutes and it didn't happen at all, i sometimes wish people would pay attention to me. i wasn't acting NORMAL!!! no one notices when i am in the shitter (mentally that is) it seems that i have gotten so good at it that i cant even let people know my emotions.
--i cant cry in front of people, why is that?
--school is piontless i just want to get into college and do what i really want and love to do, or at least work on things that i care about.
--i am so tired, not even physically but mentally of everything. even so much that i dont want to continue writing.
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| Johnn Depp... awwww drool |
[27 Apr 2003|02:21am] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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music |
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Everwhat!! everwhat!! |
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so yeah i just finished watching a movie that daniel loned me. it is about drugs. i think it would have been better if i was on drugs while watching it. whatever. it had johnny depp in it though and that is hott. mmmmm... good thoughts.
So last night i slummed around. me and vannessa and tashy bought matching panties. WEEEE!!! and today i got a dress. i will wear it someday. back to last night though. me andvaness and tashy and daniel played taboo for like two hours. it was funny, then vanessa took tashy home and then left herself. so me and daniel just were in my house till like 2 in the morning and then we decided to drive. and we did. until about 4 in the morning. it was funny and random and wierd. we talked about tons of random things and tried to find hookers in downtown anitoch. it was fun. then we bought a donut for breakfast and i took him home. it was quite a bonding experience. But, man was i tired this morning.
Today i went to work and afterwards me and vanessa and daniel went to denny's I ALWAYS order to much food. anyways i think i am going to vomit from the pie. sorry vaness and aniel, it was horrible. yea, so afterwards i took vanessa and daniel home and daniel let me borrow the movie. i mean, wasn't i talking about this in the begining. man i need to sleep i am talking in circles now and even confusing myself.
sweet dreams everyone :P
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| beach people!! |
[23 Apr 2003|10:55pm] |
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mood |
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 peaceful |
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music |
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The Doors- No Me Mileste Mosquito |
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so i went to the beach today with the group. it was super fun, this is how the day went
-8 in the morning i went to pick up nessa from home and she wasn't ready!! she had just gotten out of the shower, so i had courtney and danny pick up daniel. then everyone was running around getting food, ice, and extra crap.
-8;30- we still haven't left milli's, in fact me and nessa are at the bank. hehe. and milli is freaking out
-9- we are on the road FINALLY- me and nessa and daniel fell asleep in the back of the van. all of us were piled like kittens- MEOW!!.
-11;30- we got to beach, it took sooooooo long. but we didn't get lost. and we saw a sign that said not to play with matches. we also saw a sign that said no barking!! funnnynest.
-11;30-4;00- yeah we are at the beach, we walked a bit and i stood in the same place until the waves and sand were up to my knees. i almost died, i had quite a time getting out. also, school children pasted us and we began screaming BURN BURN!! we scared them. after that i climbed some rocked and gave Milli a heart attack because she though i would fall. the idea never came to me until she said it. but i did ok. it wasn't a big deal. i was raised at the beach and so i feel i can rock climb pretty well. however, i didn't have shoes on and the rocks did hurt me feet. we also made a big sand sculpture of a foot. wee ate lunch. and gave the seagulls food until they faught. ahahaha!! i had hoped that they would fight to the death for food but they didn't.-then we met a guy named jeremy and he had tons of frisbees. millis flirted with him sooo much. and he was like in his thirties. though i must say very nice looking. Vanessa also stole my pants when i was trying to change, which resulteed in me chasing after her in my towel. and danny was taping it, so funny. then after all this we left
-4-8- went home, got dinner at the elephant bar. were milli got mad at me and daniel because we wouldn't tell her why we both had hickies. she will find out, then she'll be mad at me. whatever.
8-now- danny vanessa and daniel came home with me and we just kinda hung out a bit. it was fun and i am really tired. it was a great day though.
OTHER BIG NEWS!!
- i heard the sweet vioce of me love yesterday. David is back from mexico!! i missed him, but i dont see him till friday 8( poo... i miss my davey. but he isn't so far away and he had a good time, so this makes me very happy. i love you david!!
-My dad's surgury went great, he is doped up and in the hospital. but other than that, he is fine. this is good, it makes me feel better.
- my sexual frustration is at a high. and vanessa tried to help me get rid of the hickie. however, it only made it larger and so my parents will most likely become very pissed. whatever.
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| lust |
[23 Apr 2003|12:07am] |
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mood |
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 horny |
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music |
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Aime'e- is that my dad? i'm going insane |
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Could this be me? this girl who, wlthoug sexually frustrated promised never to endanger a friendship by forcing herself on another. But, it felt good. Hahaha i'm a slut.
--whatever, anyone who was wondering that paragraph was total BS.
--so i went to work today, it was fun. just because i am wearing a uniform people automatically think that i know something, but i dont.
--i do to the beach in 8 hours weeeeee
--i need to work on homework,
overall this is a very short and boring entry, i am sorry i had you read it.
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| grow boobs, just grow!! |
[20 Apr 2003|09:29pm] |
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mood |
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relaxed |
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music |
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Procol Harum- Whiter shade of pale |
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damn my boobs are very small.
-There's a girl living under my skin
ther's this girl and she's wearing me thin
thats an aerosmith song and i feel that way, i am such a tom boy and its so wierd being a girl and wearing dresses and liking boys. i feel like im 12 going through puberty. ever feel that way? like you are only in your early teens and everything is so new? i just feel like i am doing a sucky job at being a girl.
-my sissy came over and talked about her fiance, but i STILL have not met him. arrggghhhh!! i am so close to just driving to her house and meeting him.
-Easter was happy and stuff. i got to talk to tanya FUN STUFF!!!
-- so i was driving my brother home he asked me to stop at a gas station so he could buy cigaretts(sp). it just made me incredibly depressed. then i really begin to hate my brother. just because he is slowly hurting himself, he already has a liver problem and he is only making it worse. just makes me sad.
-- i had a tuna sandwich today, it reminded me of David, he is so far away. i miss him :(
COMMENT ON THIS HOES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
--- i was think9ing today i know all you guys like those thin sticklike girls. which i am not. i'm rather fat. but just answer me this one. Okay when that stick person gets naked they are bony and gross looking. as appose to someone like me, who may have some fat, but are overall vulupteous. Which do you pick, malnutritioned girl, or curvy girl? i think many do not think of this because there are way to many girls that are skinny yet people think that is pretty. so everyone tell me who they would choose.
-observation of the day- on tv when they turn off the lights it doesn't go dark, it goes blue, not very realistic
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| hum... drum... |
[20 Apr 2003|07:58am] |
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mood |
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 thirsty |
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music |
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my brother fell in the tub!! muahahahaha!! |
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I am waiting for my turn in the shower right now, my brother came over for easter and he is in there. damn it!! he is addicted to baths and so i now have 32 minutes to get ready, if he gets out soon.
-so yesterday i had to run errand with my mom because her hip hurts so she takes drugs and is not allowed to drive a car. but she bought me candy so whatever.
--i also went to work, it was fun. i like cuting stuff with sharp objects and people are super nice, i cant wait until me and nessa get to work on the same days, fun WEEEEE!!! vanessa, daniel, and Courtney came by to see me and it was great. yea support. i felt special, and sad because i really wanted to go to kevins party.
---I didn't get to go to brandons party either!! my parents sat me down and made me watch a religeous video about jesus, and then they wouldn't let me leave until i told them how i felt about god. so i stared silently for about a half an hour... and then i told then that there isn't a god, and if there is then he doesn't really care about us. and that all religeon was a fraud. they just got silent and told me i could go to my room. DAMNIT!!! now i feel guilty because they are all dissapionted and they tried to raise all of us in the religeon and two dropped out, i am the third muahahaha... so yeah i HAVE to go to church now, which sucks major dookie.
i must go now and have my brain washed, so that i can feel guilty for drinking cofee and such things (that way i can become more depressed than i already am.) religeon is a punishment.
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| yeah... i dont think so |
[18 Apr 2003|07:49pm] |
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paraniod |
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my mom said church music or nothing- i chose nothing |
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So i just got off of the phone with my sister bethy!! i love her, and miss her so much. i really think that it would be nice to get and see your sister more than once every three months. but i dont get that decision. The thing is that talking to bethy is happy for me, it is a booster upper type of thing. she kind of gives me the strength and advice i need to keep sane in this household. and it we have a lot of stuff in common, she loves me. but my mother says that bethy doesn't love me and is just playing favorites to be manipulative. i dont think so because bethy has treated me a lot better than my mom has. and by my mom's standards she loves me, so bethy must love me more. yeah so my mom gets really mad whenever i talk to beth and wants to know exactly what was said, even though it isn't her bussiness.
Then after i tell my mom the gist of Bethy and Mine conversation (which i think she is dissapionted to hear had nothing to do with plotting against her) she goes into a rage about what a horrible person bethy is and how she favors me and my dad. i think she is jealous because I am bethy's favorite (laughing happily) I WIN!!! so now because i told my mother that i love bethy no matter what of who she decides to love she is very paraniod and making me do things other than type this entry.
-- she is in the room right now, no doubt trying to look at what i'm typing. plus she has been having me do in and out of the room to do stuff. then after i finish this she will read it. Have i not mentioned this. my mom READS my livejournal and thinks there is nothing wrong with it because it is on the internet. i asked her not to and she pretty much said she didn't care, so if she decides to read this then she can burn in hell.
--back to the piont i talked to bethy but i will not go into detail about what we talked on because no doubt my mother will read it and turn it against me later ( i love how i have pricacy, dont you?) the main piont is i love my sister bethy, and i hope i get to see her soon!
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| Damn Holidays |
[18 Apr 2003|01:20pm] |
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mood |
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 crushed |
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music |
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Weezer- Death and Destruction |
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today i felt as if i was eight again, with my mother yelling at me, and me feeling sticky with syrup and fat. but her yelling because she feels that i screwed up, and i dont say anythin, i just cry, like i am a child. and she says "what reason do you for crying?" and all i can say is im sorry, over and over again. i feel guilty. Are you suppose to hate your parents? i do. and holidays are the time that it gets brung out the most. through my mother yelling because i am rude, and my dad yelling because i can never clean things up the right way. nothing has changed i am still eight, my parents still control me. and i feel as if i will never be good enough for them, and wishing i could just get away, not being part of the family. i wish i could have simeone else's parents. it is that feeling of belonging and being accepted and accually having a mom. not one that yells, but one who trusts. i hate my house, its filled with bad memories... thats where we had this fight... this is where my mom slapped me... this is where i broke down and cried. every place is filled with bad memories, and i just wish i could feel as happy and accepted and loved in my own house as i do in other peoples.
-- i know i always sound depressed on my lj, but i'm not. but i write on it at home, and everytime i am home i go through stuff with my parents, so i forget what happens outside and just right about all the bad problems now. i do have an OK life. i spent the night at milli's house, i love it there. i miss having brei or tanya here, my parents would let me go for days when i was with them. my parents just dont trust anyone else. and with the holiday coming i know it is going to get bad. i feel like i have finally given up, and i just dont care. i cant believe in anything, especially the spiritual side of easter, not going to happen. how can i even think about all that when i am stuck with people yelling at me about how i should. my parents are like if you are a snot them you have to teacha a lesson on easter, religeon is a punishment.
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| that stuff |
[16 Apr 2003|07:43am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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Dead Kennedies-Your emotions |
] |
you know how you just all the sudden feel mad, and sad, and helpless? like the world you know and love is colapsing over you, leaving you with only hate things you despise. i just feel like that some times. so i put on happy music and try to ignore it for the time being, but it doesn't go. instead it grows stonger, throughout everyday. just these thoughts in the back of my head, and i cant get rid of them. and it feels like i'm going insane. i ignore it for the most part, so i seem happy enough. i just keep busy. but it is at those times at night were i am not doing anything in particular and they just come. i used to daydream during that time, but these dreams are unrealistic, so i try and stop. then things that seem stable aren't, and life turns to complete shit, and you die. Damn life is depresing.
Maxwells Silver Hammer
!!!!!!!!!!!!!which BEATLES song are you?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
brought to you by Quizilla
i wanted help!, i tried three times, but i kept getting this.
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aimsy's journal